Dear Republican Politicians,
Since it seems that each and every one of you have a secret gay sex life, don’t you think it might be time to come out of the closet? I mean, I don’t care if you want to stay in the closet, I really don’t, though I find your hypocritical voting records troubling, but think of what a life as an openly gay politician would mean. No more hiding out in public restrooms, no more embarrassing press conferences, no more sneaking around trying to think of people to blame for your arrests.
The thing about all of this is that eventually, everyone will find out what you’re up to (I’m looking at you, Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham) because you keep having sex with people! Those people aren’t going to watch you vote against gay rights year after year without speaking up. So why not just come out and defuse the whole situation? You know, stay ahead of the situation.
And just imagine what a relief it will be when you can stop this whole self-loathing thing! You can stop supporting those beards you’ve been paying for, you can meet somebody who shares your interests in lowering the capital gains tax and flower arranging, and best of all you can listen to a much better class of dance music! I mean, aren’t you tired of pretending you like line dancing when you could be at one of DC’s many gay clubs? I’m sure the selection in Idaho is limited, but after a long day on the senate floor disenfranchising minorities and restricting civil liberties, you can take your pick of clubs to do some poppers and mingle with cute guys hungry for a sugar daddy.
Just promise me you’ll think it over.
Your constituent,
Jemal Cole