Hey.?
As I’m sure some of you have noticed, I haven’t been around much for the last month. Here’s why.
Thirty days ago, my wife Kellie passed away in her sleep from some as-of-yet undetermined cause, probably related to her ongoing health problems and the medicines she was taking for them. I’m still waiting for the medical examiner’s office to finish their report and send me a death certificate.
I feel terrible about the way it all happened. I talked to her the night before as she was going to bed, and she asked me to let her sleep in until 11, since she’d been having problems both getting to sleep and staying awake. I kissed her on the shoulder, told her that no, she didn’t need to smoke one last cigarette before bed, and told her I loved her.
So on Saturday morning, I crept around quietly as I got up and got dressed, did some shopping for the party we were supposed to have that afternoon, and didn’t see her until 11.? I went downstairs and turned on the TV and the PS3, figuring that some ambient noise would help her wake up. After that didn’t work, I leaned over to touch her shoulder and discovered that she was ice cold. The fan had been on overnight because she slept better with some ambient noise, ? and she was sort of half in and out of her blankets, so I got up, turned on all the lights, turned off the fan and walked around to her side of the bed. She was horribly pale and not breathing. I tried to shake her awake, but she was completely stiff. She looked awful. The thought of her looking like that haunts me.
I ? grabbed the phone, called 911, and told them what was going on. They asked if I wanted them to guide me through CPR, but I told them that I was too scared to try. They said that they were sending paramedics, so I ran up the stairs and told Sierra to get Jared into her room and not to come out for any reason.?
A young police-woman showed up first. I took her down to see Kellie, and I could tell that she was almost as freaked out as I was. I don’t think she’d ever been in a situation like this before. We waited for the paramedics who rushed down to the bedroom, tore everything off the bed, then stopped, saying that they couldn’t do anything. I was hyperventilating and crying and sort of moaning to myself, and I asked them, “Are you saying that my wife is dead” They said something non-committal, so I asked again, and they said yes.
I ran to the kitchen and started pacing around. I think this is the point where I started making phone calls. I called my dad and told him what was going on. I called Chad and Patricia, and they said they’d be right over. I left several messages for Kellie’s grandmother (who lives with us), but she had turned off her cell phone. My dad called back and said that he’d be here from Wisconsin by 10:00 that night. Then, as the paramedics and firefighters were leaving, some more police officers arrived. They asked me a few questions, and I tried to answer them, but I just kept wandering into the kitchen to moan and cry and freak out. The police wanted to know if Kellie had been on any medicines, so I told them where to find them in the basement. They came back with more than 20 bottles. My only thought was, “I wonder where the rest of them are?”
I realized that I had to tell Sierra something, so I got hold of myself and told her that her mother had died. She and I sat and held each other and cried and I wished that I knew what to say. When we had calmed down a bit, I told her that I was sorry, but I had to go take care of Jared and talk to the cops. I wish I could have stayed there with her all afternoon, but I didn’t have anyone else to take care of things. I had to make Jared some lunch, and I had to go through all of the same questions I had been answering for an hour with the third police officer on the scene.?
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Chad and Patricia showed up with one of their awesome daughters who took up the job of keeping Sierra company. I finally got up the courage to tell Jared, who was shocked and surprised. He didn’t really understand, and still doesn’t. ? Patricia held things together with keeping the kids upstairs and Chad and I stood around on the back porch while they finally wheeled Kellie out to the street.?
Kellie’s grandmother came home and saw that something was going on and I had to break the news to her. She nearly collapsed and I had to hold her up until somebody could drag over a chair for me to set her down in. ?
Also, at some point some crisis? counselors? showed up to give me a business card for their “Warm Line” in case I needed to talk to somebody. I listened to their speech and then basically threw them out as politely as I could. I’m sure they meant well, but I’m not really the type to talk to perfect strangers about my problems.
The rest of the day was me stumbling around the house talking to people, checking on the kids, making phone calls to everyone I could think of and occasionally wandering off to some empty room to freak out on my own. ? I ? don’t remember much of what happened that day. The parts I do remember are so vivid that I freak out every time I think about them. And I remember my friends and family being there to support me.?
The hardest part of this has been that Kellie was my best friend, and the only person in the world that I could really talk to about anything. I’m not a person who is known for sharing his feelings (unless those feelings are scorn and derision), but Kellie was the single most honest, decent, supportive and understanding person I’ve ever met. And once a woman like that commits to spending the rest of her life with you, you realize that you can tell her anything.
And I learned something about marriage that I never knew: the best thing about it is having somebody there who completely shares your problems. Everyone around me has been incredibly helpful, but it’s not the same as having somebody else who is going through exactly what you’re going through. When times were tough for us, we knew that we had each other. ? And that we could count on each other.
I’m not? exaggerating? when I say that Kellie was the most amazing human being I’ve ever known. She had her flaws, but nobody has ever made me as happy as she did, nor loved me as completely. She made me the man I am today by supporting me, chiding me, needing me and pushing me to be the kind of man that she deserved. She spent every single day that I knew her trying to show me that she loved me, from the first day we met on February 15, 1998.?
I honestly don’t really know how I’m going to have a life without her.?
There have been all sorts of other awful things going on as well – maybe I can share them at some other time. But because of this ongoing shit-storm, I haven’t been able to allow myself to freak the hell out until now. The only times I could really process what was happening was when I could steal a few minutes? hiding out in her car, listening to her favorite songs and smoking her cigarettes. I think I need to spend some time alone to feel sorry for myself and remember just how utterly amazing my wife was.
So that’s what I’ll be up to.
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